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Scott's predictions for 2005

Monday, January 3, 2005

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Written by Scott Piatkowski

  • The parliamentary vote to legalize same-sex marriage will pass by a comfortable margin. Opponents of the measure will subsequently express surprise when the world does not end.
  • Alberta Premier Ralph Klein will finally explain the reason for his staunch opposition to same-sex marriage. “Hey, I don’t have any real opposition here in Alberta, so I have to keep picking fights with Ottawa in order to keep my political skills in tune.”
  • Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper will hold a press conference with some of the world’s leading paleontologists, announcing a major scientific breakthrough. It turns out that, when Stockwell Day said he believed that dinosaurs and humans had co-existed, he was referring to his own caucus.
  • Comic strip syndicators will sue Prime Minister Paul Martin for copyright infringement. Apparently, the character name “Mr. Dithers” had already been taken.
  • NDP leader Jack Layton will succeed in convincing Paul Martin to refrain from participating in the U.S. missile defense system. Martin will swear that doing so had been his intention all along. After Layton calls that “bullshit”, newspapers will devote more stories to his “inappropriate language” than they ever did to the issue itself.
  • More homeless people will die on the streets of Canada’s cities, towns and villages. No one will be allowed to connect these deaths to government policy.
  • Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe will leave federal politics to head the Parti Quebecois. The Bloc will subsequently rename itself “L’equipe de la ferme” (the Farm Team).
  • Carolyn Parrish will enjoy her new role as an Independent Member of Parliament. “You have no idea how difficult it was for me to always be censoring everything I said. What’s that? You didn’t think I was? Bastard! Idiot! Here, let me step on YOU and see how you like it!”
  • A national child care strategy will finally be unveiled, thereby meeting the needs of the children of those who were children when the Liberals first promised a National Child Care program. Goaltender turned cabinet minister Ken Dryden will reassure Canadians by saying, “Don’t worry, we have a little something in mind for the children of these children too.”
  • Immigration Minister Judy Sgro will announce a new section of the questionnaire for potential immigrants to Canada. “Question 1: Are you willing to strip? Question 2: Are you willing to work on my election campaign?”
  • Former Prime Minister Jean Chretien will provide gripping but incredibly short testimony before the Sponsorship Inquiry. The transcript of his testimony will read, “I love Canada! And, I had the (golf) balls to save Canada. Vive le Canada! Did I mention that I love Canada? Merci beaucoup!”
  • Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty will run out of promises to break and will be forced to start breaking promises that he didn’t make.
  • Health Minister George Smitherman will announce that his Tobacco-Free Ontario initiative has been so successful that, “some of my cabinet colleagues and I are actually considering quitting smoking ourselves.”
  • Attorney General Michael Bryant will succeed in banning pit bulls and related vicious dog breeds. He will then turn his attention towards banning cats that claw the furniture.
  • John Tory, newly elected leader of the Ontario PCs, will continue to circle around Ontario in an airplane, vainly searching for a safe riding to parachute into.
  • Ontario NDP leader Howard Hampton will change his name to Hamptoshenko, in hopes of creating his own “Orange Revolution” in Ontario.
  • British Columbia Premier Gordon Campbell will become former British Columbia Premier Gordon Campbell.
  • Having bestowed the Presidential Medal of Freedom on three of the main architects of his strategy in Iraq, U.S. President Bush will decide to bestow posthumous honours on the captain of the Titanic and the pilot of the Hindenburg.
  • The United Nations will announce that it has finally determined that the situation in Sudan has qualified as a genocide. According to a UN spokesperson, “The deciding factor was when we were able to ascertain that everyone in the country was dead.”
  • After securing his wish to be traded away from the Toronto Raptors, Vince Carter will have a speedy recovery from the injury to his achilles tendon. Recovering from his seemingly-permanent pout, however, will require season-ending surgery.
  • The National Hockey League lockout will continue indefinitely. Leaf fans will express relief at not having to come up with another excuse for not winning the Cup.
  • At least one reader will not recognize these predictions as mostly satirical, and complain loudly to one of my editors.

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