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Scott's predictions for 2004

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

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Written by Scott Piatkowski

Having found himself unable to keep all but a few of his many election promises, Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty will reluctantly announce, “Maybe Ernie Eves was right. I’m really not up to the job.” But, he will add that “it’s still all his fault. Did I mention the deficit? The cupboard is bare. The cupboard is bare…”

On the heals of her successful attempt to establish a strict dress code for the Ontario legislature (a move aimed primarily at Peter Kormos and his cowboy boots), obscure rookie Liberal MPP Monique Smith will announce that she will be starring in a new reality TV program: “Liberal Eye for the NDP Guy”.

Former Prime Jean Chretien will accept a high-profile posting as “The Ghost of Prime Ministers Past” and immediately begin roaming the halls of Parliament.

Prime Minister Paul Martin will announce that he has finally resolved the difficult question of Sheila Copps’ future. “I’m going to stick a Bahamian flag on her and float her out to sea. Hey, don’t laugh. It worked whenever I had a problem in my shipping business.”

After reviewing Martin’s “Liberal” record and his “Liberal” platform for the coming federal election, many of the proponents of the Unite the Right movement will scratch their collective head and ask “Tell us again why we bothered with all of this.”

The few remaining members of the Conservative Party of Canada will pray to New Brunswick Premier Bernard Lord to “deliver us from evil”. Mysteriously, both Peter McKay and Stephen Harper will subsequently be struck by lightning on the same day.

The heirs of recently-deceased Red Tory Robert Stanfield will announce that they have buried him in a specially-designed grave, “in order to make spinning easier.”

Two-time Tory leadership candidate David Orchard will announce that he has “a signed deal” with Publisher’s Clearinghouse indicating that he “may already be a winner”. On the strength of this commitment, he will throw his support behind Ed McMahon to lead his party (although no one besides Orchard is quite sure what party that is).

NDP leader Jack Layton will handily beat Liberal incumbent Dennis Mills in the riding of Toronto-Danforth, finally freeing Mills up to work as a full-time concert promoter.

Following the announcement that former leader Ed Broadbent will be mounting a political comeback, the federal NDP will launch “Operation Undead” – a plan to exhume the remains of deceased former leaders Tommy Douglas, David Lewis, M.J. Coldwell and J.S. Woodsworth in order to run them in winnable ridings.

Bored with the actual details of governing, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will gun down all of “the girly men” in the State Senate and House of Assembly. When asked to justify his actions, Schwarzenegger will simply repeat the same tired movie lines that got him elected: “Consider this a divorce. I let him go. Hasta la vista baby. I’ll be back.”

Deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein will not be tried for crimes against humanity, after the United States decides that they would rather release him than have him testify in open court. “If we had known everything that he was prepared to disclose, we would have just left him in the hole.”

Having realized that the semi-permanent Orange Alert was failing to inspire the expected level of fear among the populace, U.S. President Bush will unveil a new colour scheme with further levels of terror. Unfortunately, the new “Plaid Alert” and “Polka Dot Alert” will only lead to further shrugs across the land.

George W. Bush’s approval ratings will drop rapidly when he finally runs out of countries to go to war against. After his defeat in the November election, American voters will string up a huge banner over the White House reading “Mission Accomplished”.

President-elect Howard Dean will announce plans to rescind all of the Bush tax cuts for the rich. According to Dean “We’ve done a study and it turns out that money actually trickles up.”

The Toronto Maple Leafs will start a new undefeated streak which will, remarkably, continue precisely until the start of the playoffs. Following the elimination of their team, Leaf fans will continue to savour their memories of 1967.

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