"Please Don't Vote NDP" by Paul Martin

Thursday, February 5, 2004


Written by Kyle Lambert

After hearing this week’s Throne Speech, I couldn’t help but think that it was a poorly-veiled grab at any left-centre support that the Liberal Party has lost since Martin’s December coup. That said, I’ve written what I believe was really behind the vague blurbs of the 2004 Throne Speech:

“Holy Crap, I can’t believe I’m actually here. After over a decade of trying to wield my great power I’ve finally realized by dad’s dream of becoming Prime Minister. I realized my own dream of becoming incredibly rich some time ago, and thanks to my work as Finance Minister, I was able to keep on dreaming as part of the government. Never mind the $161 million dollars in contracts and loans given to CSL by my friends…er…governing colleagues, because today I announce a plan to make the entire country forget about my track record as Minister of Finance.

I’m going to change the face of our government to something Canadians will have no choice but to accept, that face will be my own. I’ve created Cabinet Committees with the authority to control everything that comes out of the bureaucracy, each committee being swamped with those who helped orchestrate my coup. Don’t ever say I didn’t reward blind loyalty. I might even increase the power of individual MPs, so that 30 million ordinary Canadians can rely on being represented by 150 Liberal MPs, instead of by 30. That should make a great difference in bettering democracy in Canada.

On top of that, I’ve got a great idea to please all those raging pinkos that seem to be coming out of the woodwork. I must say, Johnny Chretien was much better at disguising his conservative views than I’ve been. I’ll tell them all about $2 Billion for health care that will help our cherished social services. What I won’t tell them is that I’ve attached no strings to this money and now privatizing Premiers like Klein can spend it however they want. Most of my supporters are impressed by big amounts of money, maybe the lefties will be too!

It gets better. I’ll make a whole bunch of promises to our Aboriginals. I just hope that nobody remembers how I broke those promises after 1993 when I didn’t allocate to Native communities the funds promised in the Red Book. All I have to do is create more committees and make a few patronage appointments to bogus self-government groups and everyone will go home happy, except those bloody rabble-rousing lefties again. But that’s okay, because I’ll use words like “social economy” to please those kinds of people. I’m sure they’ll forget about my “social” spending history of giving tax breaks to all of my Bay Street boys, while stealing from employment insurance to avoid deficit spending.

Maybe I can please the pinkos by promising funding for the arts. Not those silly grass roots arts programs that actually benefit communities. I’m talking about big, expensive projects that can host functions attended by my Bay Street friends. We can modernize our arts by spending all of our money on one huge venue, instead of wasting it on urban culture projects that might give those lefties a chance to organize.

After that, I’ll talk about reducing university students’ debt loads, an issue that is sure to please everyone. I won’t actually outline a plan for doing this, I’ll just tell the students once again that they are our future and that it’s important that their government acts like it cares. As long as nobody asks me why I didn’t make a single effort to reduce tuition fees and put a ceiling on loan interest rates as Finance Minister I will once again be in the clear. As a bonus, my friends working for the big 5 banks will get even richer when I increase the loan amounts allowed per student.

Finally, science and technology are issues that everyone loves, I mean, who doesn’t watch Star Trek? Speaking of that, I wonder if anyone will realize that most of my science and tech handouts could end up going to firms that participate in my new friend George’s Star Wars program. Everyone keeps telling me this is a bad idea, they give lame excuses like “it doesn’t work” and “it will cause another arms race”, but I know better. I am a millionaire after all.

Oh how good it is to be Prime Minister. Just keep those damn NDPers away.”

The Throne Speech promised much, but what is delivered will be a totally different story.

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