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New Rules for the New Year

Thursday, January 4, 2007

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Written by Adam A. Donaldson

Some people make New Year’s Resolutions, but in the mold of one my heroes Bill Maher, I make New Year’s New Rules. My decrees for 2007 are as follows and no particular order.

The Conservative Party needs more women.

It says a lot that Stephen Harper took one of his few women cabinet ministers and put her on one of his government’s most controversial portfolios like some sort of sacrificial lamb. Rona Ambrose was cursed from day one and got royally hosed in the national media thanks to her party’s contradictory policy in regards to the environment.

CNN Headline News needs to have more headline news.

The whole point of the network is to go over the same s**t every 30 minutes, we’re not supposed to give a damn who’s reading it. Blowhards like Glen Beck and Nancy Grace belong on talk radio or failing that, militia newsletters. And A.J. Hammer… Come on! Who are you trying to kid? Mickey Spillane?

Dick Cheney should be the first one in line for the draft.

If he likes shooting things so much, I know a place he could go…

Jack Layton needs to go Peter Finch-in-Network crazy.

With Stephane Dion bogarting the environment issue, it’s going to be the only way and frankly, I’ve always thought he was a little mishugena (it’s all in the moustache).

CBC’s “Little Mosque on the Prairie” should be required viewing.

…for Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Glen Beck, the Bush cabinet and all those gnats that ordered that Muslim clerics be removed from a commercial flight for praying to loud and making them uncomfortable. (Appropriate sarcastic emoticon here.)

Kate Beckinsale needs to dump husband Len Wiseman.

And marry me; I’m available and I had nothing to do with the Underworld movies. (Even though I came up with the idea. Read more about that here PS: This New Rule is completely self-serving.

Guelph Police should hire Jack Bauer.

There’d be no more trouble downtown, which would make Bev Izzillo-Ustation insanely happy, because when Bauer tells you to hit the ground, you ask “How hard, sir?” His uniform would naturally include the Jack Sack and the Hoodie of Invisibility. (Remember, The Power Hour returns Jan. 14th.)

Dion in ’07 and Edwards in ’08.

It’d bring back that great Chretien/Clinton dynamic; now that was Canada-US relations. (Read Clinton’s autobiography My Life for his often hilarious antics with the former PM.)

We need to stop missing the point of things.

Everyone’s nose got out of wack when Mel Gibson got drunk and remembered that he was an anti-Semite this past summer, but what about his other offense? You know, being a recovering alcoholic and driving drunk…the whole reason he was pulled over in the first place. Here is a grown man, with a predilection for not knowing where to draw the line while consuming mass quantities of what I’m sure is only the finest liquors, and indulging his demons before getting behind the wheel of his car for a Friday night drive around Malibu.

I don’t know if Mel Gibson in his heart of hearts really hates Jews or not and being non-Jew myself I take the fifth on having to make up my mind about. What I do know is that one-third of the total number of traffic fatalities on California highways in 2004 were alcohol-related. Granted, that’s down from more than half in 1982, but that number is still really high. And how many times do you think that the California Highway Patrol, Mothers Against Drunk Driving and other anti-D&D reps were asked to comment in the press? If you said a number greater than zero, than take a shot.

It’s the exact same thing with the Duke rape case. Three lacrosse team players were charged with the rape, kidnapping and various other sexual offenses committed against a stripper at a party hosted by the team captains in their residence back in April. Unfortunately, due to the lack of physical evidence, changes or inconsistencies in the victim’s statement and the District Attorney’s failure to fully disclose the DNA findings to the defense (a big no-no in the US Criminal Justice system); the rape charges were dropped, while DA Mike Nifong proceeded with the other indictments.

This is where our old friend the national media comes in with accusations of a frame-up; after all, clean-cut white boys don’t rape black women. Come on! She’s got to have been making it up, right?

Frankly, given the raking over the coals she’s been given I can’t imagine why she would, but “innocent until proven guilty” is the first rule of the legal game. Right-wing pundits, many of whom undoubtedly still think that rape is a feminist myth, were the most feverish defenders of the defendants; bow-tie wearing freak Tucker Carlson being the loudest in the chorus. But in all the talk of who’s zooming who, I’ve never heard anyone question the fact that these young men were hosting strippers in their university dormitory in the first place. Probably not what their parents intended when they signed those tuition cheques.

Where’s the outrage over Duke’s complicity in allowing students in res to engage in underage drinking while hosting strippers? Isn’t Duke in North Carolina? Where’s the outrage from the Conservative South or does it take a committed gay couple and a Justice of the Peace to get their attention anymore? I’m no fan of the moral majority, but they should have been all over this like crazy on Pat Robertson. Where’s the school administration to say that strippers can’t be considered teaching aids? Where are these boys’ parents to spank them for their misbehaviour in front of the scorching rabble?

In 2007 we’re going to start doing things right. We’re going to start listening for a change rather than yelling at each other. We’re going to call a spade “a spade”. We’re going to get the strippers out of our schools, unless they’re there to learn. We’re going to get the drunk Jew-haters off the road and into rehab and anger management. Going “beyond the headlines” will become meaningless, because the news will always go beyond the headlines. Lindsay Lohan will get her 30-day sobriety chip. Britney Spears will find her underwear drawer again. And K-Fed will be driven to the edge of oblivion and pushed off for crimes against the talented. I’ve got a great feeling about this year! At least I hope that’s what that is and not bit of underdone potato.

Oh and New Rule: Tucker Carlson is a misogynist douche bag.

That’s not really a New Rule, but it’s worth saying.

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