Lies we tell Frosh
Thursday, September 15, 20055 Comments
(Frosh not exactly as shown)
You are not welcome. Your money is welcome, yes, but you we can live without. Like seeing a car accident on a long drive, your thrill value is somewhat diminished by the real anxiety you cause. It’s been a dull summer in this dull student-less town, and for a few brief minutes spread out over the Labour Day long weekend it’s a welcome change that you’re back. That time has now passed and you have grown tiresome. We do not care to watch you go through the many stages of growth and development the experts tell us you are going through. To us, the fulfilment of your human potential looks more like puke on the shrubberies. We’ve been through it, to no good effect, so why should we expect more and forgive more from you? When we were pushing the boundaries it was fun, it was edgy, it was out there. Now that you’re doing it, it’s tedious; it’s just the same old crap. Oh, we will put up with it of course; we’re not so stupid to think we could do otherwise; after all, we want the dough. But don’t expect us to like it or you, because we don’t.
This is not your new home. Your home is elsewhere, and we frankly don’t care where. You can live here for the next twenty-five years and this will not be your home. You can buy a house here and it still won’t be your home. You could start a small business, or become the president of a local company – hell, you might even get elected Mayor on a fluke -- but you will never be a real Guelphite. How, I hear you ask, can you become a real Guelphite? Well, do you believe in re-incarnation? Yes? Well then what you need to do is die and come back born here. There is no other way. Oh, and by the way, we just got off the phone from the place that you’re from: it doesn’t want you back either.
You most certainly do not belong here. Don’t think for a moment that you do. And don’t be hanging around when your school is done and you have no more student loan money to spend. We have more than enough of those losers (and I’m certain we’ll have had enough of you). Repeat after me: four years and out, four years and out. Make it your mantra.
As for your ideas, well, that sound you hear is us laughing behind your back. You see, we don’t like to call your mealy-mouthed complaints and pie-in-the-sky revolutions “ideas.” Ideas are not the same thing as whining about how poor and downtrodden students are. I know you think you deserve more, that you are hard done by and that we should all bend down to kiss your ass because you have the incredible save-the-word job of reading Chaucer. But guess what? It ain’t gonna happen. Why? Because nobody cares. Those that pretend to be interested in your hardship are just doing so because we pay them to pretend -- which is a lot cheaper that actually giving you any of what you want. They know, as we all do, that eventually even you will get tired of yourself and go away.
Also, we don’t actually value your input. That’s a lie. We say we value what you have to say so that you will make the mistake of “getting involved” in the process and agree to sit on our limp-dick committees. Don’t think you can influence policy; you can’t. Policy is decided before the committee is formed, and the job of the poor saps press-ganged into “advising the President” is to tell him what he has already decided he wants to hear. Here’s how it works: if you happen to disagree with us, we will say you don’t speak for the majority, but if you agree or at least stay silent, it allows us to claim that we have consulted the student body through you. We just need a warm body to plunk their ass in a chair and a name to attach the blame to: if you’d like that ass to be yours, please step up. Oh, and by the way, if you think that sucking up to the big-wigs will stand you in good stead when you graduate, think again. The only thing more hated than a rebel without a clue is a suck-up without a spine.
Perhaps the biggest lie we tell to all Frosh (and continue to tell to students always and everywhere) is that you matter to us as an individual. This is a steaming pile of crap. It’s like those signs that say “renovating to serve you better.” You know what they really mean: “renovating so we can make more money, and frankly I can’t believe that suckers like you will put up with it -- but then again last time I saw a mouth like yours it had a hook in it.” We don’t know you as a person, and we don’t want to know you. Maybe your mommy loves you, thinks you’re special, thinks you’re god’s little sunbeam -- but we don’t. If students matter at all (and it’s a big “if” believe me) they matter as a collective economic force. No one among you has enough cash to get our attention. You as an individual are hardly worth swindling tuition fees out of. Five grand might be a chunk of change to you, but it hardly greases the wheels of a big lumbering train like a university. The only way that that pittance adds up to a sum worth paying attention to is when you get 15,000 of you saps to put all your money in a pile.
I suppose we could say thank-you for it, thanks for all the dough, but we are way too superior, nasty, and petulant to do so. We’d rather hate you for it.
And that’s the truth.